The Tourist, or how I learned to stop caring and hate this movie

The Tourist – 2010

Directed by  Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck

Starring Angelia Jolie, Johnny Depp, Paul Bettany, Timothy Dalton, Steven Berkoff, Rufus Sewell, Christian De Sica

Written by von Donnersmarck, Christopher McQuarrie, Julian Fellowes

Early on in the movie Splash, we are introduced to the late John Candy’s character when he bursts forth from his car, shouting at his cinematic brother, Tom Hanks:

“Alan!  Alan!  I made it!  I am in Penthouse magazine!  They printed my letter!  They printed my letter.  I’m in the Forum section.  It’s titled ‘A Lesbian No More.’”

This scene wanders through my mind as I watch The Tourist.  The “…I never thought this would happen to me…” scenario runs rampant throughout the movie.  We are supposed to be amazed that a schlub like Johnny Depp would be swept up into intrigue with the debonair Jolie.  Problem is, Johnny Depp bears no resemblance to John Candy.  Or any of the schlubs I know.  So why should I care if Depp is living out a fantasy of intrigue in Venice, Italy?

A movie that is all style, no substance.  Everyone hides a secret, but none of the secrets are worth knowing.  Everyone is dressed as if they are going to a ball, all the time.  Everyone speaks on cell phones or other devices to parlay information to some other interested party.    Everyone is concerned with every move…It’s a lot of work, for what amounts to an extended advertisement for high-end living.  This is not where I want to be.

The plot is basic mistaken identity.  People are tracking Jolie, for the company she keeps.  She sidles up next to American “Tourist” Depp, on a train from Paris to Venice.  Some of the trackers decide that he is a math teacher from Wisconsin, and lay off his trail.  Others are not so easily shaken off.  The new “couple” land in Venice, spend time looking like they are in a perfume commercial, and then attempt to evade a bunch of stereotypical blockhead Russians in the employ of some British brute who could be from a Guy Ritchie film.

I am going no further with this predictable plot, because I want to save the disappointment for you, should you choose to ignore your senses and this review.

(0 out of *****)