3 Questionable Choices: Velocipastor, Porno and Jiu Jitsu
Two films that you might watch if you have nothing else to do and expect to live long enough to even out the waste of time. And Jiu Jitsu.
Another Look: Natural Born Killers (No Stars) still deserves the Golden Sombrero
The real conspiracy is, with the editing style and stupid storytelling, people just don’t like watching a bad film. Well, maybe some people. The Columbine killers code named their attack “NBK.”
Brahms: The Boy II (no stars) moves not at all
There has been more ado about nothing, but waiting for almost an hour to realize you just want it to be over is a bad sign for a film that is supposed to create a mood. The mood here is dread. Where is my friend Binage? If I am going to see a crappy horror flick, he should be there with me.
Friday The 13th Chronology: The First 8, because they were cheap.
I have resisted watching or reviewing these films for some time. I was always partial to Michael Myers, for better or worse, and the times I watched these films, it […]
Golden Sombrero: Enter The Ninja (no stars)- How to blow through 1.5 million
Is this a film of its time? Yes, in that it plays like a bad episode of Magnum P.I. or a good episode of The A-Team.
Golden Sombrero: Hello Mary Lou, Prom Night II (no stars) – Ironside High
“The most notable aspect of the film for me is that Michael Ironside actually makes it through the entire film. If he’s not necessarily living, he’s at least able to drive.”
There’s a turd in The Basement
“I saw this film on a dare from someone who saw the first 10 minutes then fast forwarded to the end. Both he and I had seen this film pushed to the top of our Netflix login, saying there was a 90+% chance we’d like this film. Not sure what the criteria is, but it’s not nearly as accurate as those Amazon adbots that put items similar to what you were browsing for on every future page you visit. He wins, even if he saw only 5 minutes less than I did. “
The First Purge (no stars) please let this be the last one
The First Purge shows oppressed black people at peaceful rallies, innocent black folks in a housing project being killed room to room and a black drug dealer as its hero. There’s even a neighbor Lady who’s essentially Oprah. This is intended to put the butts in the seats, not to be intellectually honest.
Day of the Dead: Bloodline (no stars): In the spirit of Romero
Back to Romero and his legacy. The producers who were behind Texas Chainsaw 3D made this film the way they did to keep as close to the spirit of his work. In this respect, they are close to the mark. Romero didn’t make that good of films either, even if he did have a decent imagination.
Twixt: Coppola misfiring on all cylinders
Twixt – 2013 Written and Directed by Francis Ford Coppola Starring Val Kilmer, Elle Fanning, Joanne Whalley, Bruce Dern, Ben Chaplin, David Paymer Elle Fanning never saw it coming. A chance […]
The Master of none
The Master – 2012 Written and Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson Starring Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams, Ambyr Childers, Jesse Plemmons, Rami Malek, Laura Dern I tried, folks. It sucked. […]
The Devil Inside: What the hell?
The Devil Inside – 2012 Directed by William Brent Bell Starring Fernanda Andrade, Simon Quarterman, Evan Helmuth, Suzan Crowley Written by Bell & Matthew Peterman I think I am done with the […]
The Tourist, or how I learned to stop caring and hate this movie
The Tourist – 2010 Directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck Starring Angelia Jolie, Johnny Depp, Paul Bettany, Timothy Dalton, Steven Berkoff, Rufus Sewell, Christian De Sica Written by von Donnersmarck, […]
Ebert Did It Better: Gasbag Reviews 