Shark Night: Finally we get to see Katherine McPhee die

Shark Night – 2011

Directed by David R. Ellis
Starring Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack, Katherine McPhee, Donal Logue, Joshua Leonard, Joel David Moore
Written by Will Hayes, Jesse Studenberg

Rule 415: If a movie was released in 3D, and Blockbuster didn’t bother to carry it on Blue Ray, it’s not a good sign.

Rule 423: Opening credits in red tinted water really helps to set the mood for a movie about sharks.  Subtle.

Rule 472: Brother almost never dies first anymore.  In shark movies, blondes tend to die first.

Rule 473: Showing a brother at Tulane University right after the blonde dies first is what is called bad irony.

Rule 483: White guy tutoring the black athlete is what you call unfortunately unaware writing.

Rule 497: Katherine McPhee with a pierced nose and getting a tattoo onscreen is what one calls casting against type.

Rule 522: Cell phones never work “out here.”

Rule 523: Katherine McPhee on the toilet is no more appealing than when she mishandles a microphone.

Rule 535: One geek telling another how to “get laid” is not appealing in the slightest.

Rule 538: 1 out of every 2 racist, misogynist hicks have brown teeth.

Rule 547: Locals that resent the good one who went out to “get some schoolin'” is rarely a good sign.

Rule 552: Saying you’re not ready to drive the boat is what one might call a metaphor.

Rule 563: If you are going to have a boat race with the Sheriff on Lake Ponchartrain, try to make it seem like you are trying to get away.

Rule 567: If you are going to put on that tense music every time someone gets in the water, you are going to lose the straights early on.

Rule 568: Most times, the top ten pick would have torn 10 cartilages doing water ski-boarding stunts long before the shark attack.

Rule 570: The party would be over for most people about the time someone loses an arm.

Rule 572: Saying “Whatever you do, stay out of the water,” usually portends the opposite will happen.

Rule 575: If the shark is willing to attack a boat, you have a movie shark on your hands.

Rule 576: The kind of Sheriff who is willing to crack open a beer with the kids is not likely the one to notice a flare signal for help.

Rule 577: That same Sheriff would likely be rocking out to bad hair band music while the flare goes past him in the background.

Rule 591: It’s definitely a good idea to send the hysterical wench (McPhee) with the hicks going out for help.

Rule 592: Odds aren’t good for the doof that goes with them.

Rule 597: 2 of 3 brown-teethed, racist, misogynist hicks have Mongoloid features.

Rule 603: Many moments of our lives have been lost to useless back stories in bad movies adding nothing to the feeling of the film.

Rule 612: Sharks live as often in lakes as alligators live up north.

Rule 613: Sharks seem able to travel  in hurricanes.

Really? Really?

Rule 614: Athletes who lose a limb should probably not be standing upright in the water a few hours later.

Rule 615: Black athlete carrying a spear is bad symbolism.

Rule 617: A wound to the face leading one to start murdering via sharks seems like a weird cause and effect.

Rule 623: As soon as the hot head apologizes, he’s a goner.

Rule 638: When you stab a hick and he converses normally afterwords, it just might mean he has good moonshine.

Rule 644: Any movie that has a video camera recording the death of Katherine McPhee’s character at the hands of myriad “cookie cutter sharks” can’t be all that bad.

We at least have the hicks to thank for getting rid of McPhee

Rule 653: Seeing 3 hicks engineer Sharkpocalypse is more than a bit of a stretch.

Rule 658: Once you find a shark that will meet a Jet Ski head on in the air, it’s pretty much a done deal for everyone except for those at the top of the credits.

Rule 659: Make that 4 hicks.

Rule 720: Whenever the bad guy asks if there are any last requests it’s pretty much over for the bad guy.

Rule 725: The dog is always available for fetch, and to bark when there is obvious trauma.

Rule 726: A movie never ends with a resuscitation.

Rule 997: 3D movies always end with something low-key.

Rule 998: The last rule was a lie.

Rule 1023: Not a good sign when bad rap at the end of the credits outwits the movie.


4 thoughts on “Shark Night: Finally we get to see Katherine McPhee die

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