Shark Night – 2011
Directed by David R. Ellis
Starring Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack, Katherine McPhee, Donal Logue, Joshua Leonard, Joel David Moore
Written by Will Hayes, Jesse Studenberg
Rule 415: If a movie was released in 3D, and Blockbuster didn’t bother to carry it on Blue Ray, it’s not a good sign.
Rule 423: Opening credits in red tinted water really helps to set the mood for a movie about sharks. Subtle.
Rule 472: Brother almost never dies first anymore. In shark movies, blondes tend to die first.
Rule 473: Showing a brother at Tulane University right after the blonde dies first is what is called bad irony.
Rule 483: White guy tutoring the black athlete is what you call unfortunately unaware writing.
Rule 497: Katherine McPhee with a pierced nose and getting a tattoo onscreen is what one calls casting against type.
Rule 522: Cell phones never work “out here.”
Rule 523: Katherine McPhee on the toilet is no more appealing than when she mishandles a microphone.
Rule 535: One geek telling another how to “get laid” is not appealing in the slightest.
Rule 538: 1 out of every 2 racist, misogynist hicks have brown teeth.
Rule 547: Locals that resent the good one who went out to “get some schoolin'” is rarely a good sign.
Rule 552: Saying you’re not ready to drive the boat is what one might call a metaphor.
Rule 563: If you are going to have a boat race with the Sheriff on Lake Ponchartrain, try to make it seem like you are trying to get away.
Rule 567: If you are going to put on that tense music every time someone gets in the water, you are going to lose the straights early on.
Rule 568: Most times, the top ten pick would have torn 10 cartilages doing water ski-boarding stunts long before the shark attack.
Rule 570: The party would be over for most people about the time someone loses an arm.
Rule 572: Saying “Whatever you do, stay out of the water,” usually portends the opposite will happen.
Rule 575: If the shark is willing to attack a boat, you have a movie shark on your hands.
Rule 576: The kind of Sheriff who is willing to crack open a beer with the kids is not likely the one to notice a flare signal for help.
Rule 577: That same Sheriff would likely be rocking out to bad hair band music while the flare goes past him in the background.
Rule 591: It’s definitely a good idea to send the hysterical wench (McPhee) with the hicks going out for help.
Rule 592: Odds aren’t good for the doof that goes with them.
Rule 597: 2 of 3 brown-teethed, racist, misogynist hicks have Mongoloid features.
Rule 603: Many moments of our lives have been lost to useless back stories in bad movies adding nothing to the feeling of the film.
Rule 612: Sharks live as often in lakes as alligators live up north.
Rule 613: Sharks seem able to travel in hurricanes.
Rule 614: Athletes who lose a limb should probably not be standing upright in the water a few hours later.
Rule 615: Black athlete carrying a spear is bad symbolism.
Rule 617: A wound to the face leading one to start murdering via sharks seems like a weird cause and effect.
Rule 623: As soon as the hot head apologizes, he’s a goner.
Rule 638: When you stab a hick and he converses normally afterwords, it just might mean he has good moonshine.
Rule 644: Any movie that has a video camera recording the death of Katherine McPhee’s character at the hands of myriad “cookie cutter sharks” can’t be all that bad.
Rule 653: Seeing 3 hicks engineer Sharkpocalypse is more than a bit of a stretch.
Rule 658: Once you find a shark that will meet a Jet Ski head on in the air, it’s pretty much a done deal for everyone except for those at the top of the credits.
Rule 659: Make that 4 hicks.
Rule 720: Whenever the bad guy asks if there are any last requests it’s pretty much over for the bad guy.
Rule 725: The dog is always available for fetch, and to bark when there is obvious trauma.
Rule 726: A movie never ends with a resuscitation.
Rule 997: 3D movies always end with something low-key.
Rule 998: The last rule was a lie.
Rule 1023: Not a good sign when bad rap at the end of the credits outwits the movie.