The Dead: Manos, The Hands of Zombies

The Dead – 2011

Written and Directed by Howard J. and Jonathan Ford
Starring Rob Freeman, Prince David Oseia,  David Dontoh

Zombies in Africa.  Lots of driving.  Lots of walking.  Sporadic zombies, mostly in white shirts so you can see the blood.  I swear I saw the same ones die at least 3 times.  Add to this the dumbest protagonist I have seen since I have had the capacity for rational thought.  I will show you pictures of him here:

Lawrence of the Dumb
He actually out thought a dead guy.

This is the guy, Lt. Brian Murphy (Freeman)  who survives.  Slowly, blankly and without forethought, ambles his way off of a beach, where he climbed out of a plane wreck and, inexplicably, into the desert.

So, leaving the prospects of a coastal city for the barren sea of sand, where civilization as much less likely, he ambles around, looks dumb, and then happens upon a truck that has been dismantled, but otherwise perfectly drivable.  This allows us to get the impression that he has a knack for putting things together.  Especially things that have just been taken apart by the movie crew.

If you don’t get the idea that he his handy, he tells the first live person he sees (Oseia) who, seemingly more competent, saves his life and decides to go along with him.  Why he does this is unclear, unless you count hitting plot points.  The idiot just got surrounded in the middle of a mostly clear, flat land in Africa, where he was about to be eaten.  So, Murphy owes him, right?  Not so fast.  He only owes him if it isn’t something hard to accomplish.

First, though, they must drive a long way, stop for a while,  and then look strangely at a witch doctor who has absolutely nothing to do with the plot other than to look menacing in, you know, that “native” sort of way.  Follow this with more driving, and then an inexplicable crash down a gentle slope.  Murphy somehow diagnoses a broken axle without leaving the front seat.  Now it’s time to pick up the pace…by walking.  Slowly.  Excruciating.

The direction, plot and pace of this movie is artless, dull and plodding.  If you have a choice between this film and, Manos, The Hands of Fate, stop watching movies.

(* out of ******)


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