Piranha 3DD – 2012

Director John Gulager
Starring Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Koechner, Chris Zylka, Katrina Bowden, Gary Busey, Christopher Lloyd, David Hasselhoff
Screenplay Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunston, Joel Soisson

“Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina.”

Piranha 3DD is like the people who arrive at the party when most of the cool people have gone to better parties.  Arriving already drunk, they lack the game to even score off of the remnants of the party.  The first movie killed off Richard Dreyfus in the first scene (thank you, Lord).  This one gets Gary Busey and the director’s dad, bit actor Clu Gulager.  Piranha 3D starred the still hot  and Oscar nominated Elizabeth Shue.  3DD has Danielle Panabaker, who is Disney cute.  This is proper, due to the fact that she is a Disney TV actress who moonlights as an actress for horror films.  Jerry O’Connell provided the sleaze in the first film.  Now we have David Koechner.  Okay, that’s an upgrade.

Among those too slow on the uptake to leave the party, we have Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames.  I can’t tell if Lloyd is a genius (Taxi, Back To The Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest) or a moron (Angels in the Outfield, Camp Nowhere and this movie).  That he was in the first film seemed a natural fit.  Jim Ignatowski would be there too.  Here he just does about 5 more minutes of work.  What was inspired at first seems unfortunate now.

Rhames is such a cool dude, he even gained stature after being raped with a bat in Pulp Fiction.  His appearance here is appropriately mournful of the spot he would appear to be at in his career.  No legs, pushed around by a dweeb, and afraid to go in the water.  Being Ving Rhames, though, he is cool enough to have a shotgun for a leg and lay a series of badly edited led shots into a pool of death.

Then there’s David Hasselhoff.  How much did he pay to be in this movie?

What plot there is gives up at around 30 minutes in.  Someone dis something cheaply to make a quick profit and lots of naked chicks will suffer in overly bright and blurry 3D panoramic shots.  Think of it as Predator vision, filmed by a 13-year-old with the attention span of a horn dog.

Particularly glorious are all the scenes involving Katrina Bowden, as Shelby.  She survives attack after attack, quite unlike most girls in this film or its predecessor.  Why is this?  Well, only Nixon could go to China, and only someone who has no sway in Hollywood would do the type of scene that she did with her movie boyfriend.  On the other hand, literally, is the fat guy in the water outtake.

There is really nothing I can say that would change one’s mind in the decision to watch this movie or leave it on the shelf.  There is not an ounce of redeeming value to this film, but unlike the first one, it is just not any fun.  One can be pretty sure that the director Gulager thinks he’s making some Dawn of the Dead statement with the poorly edited and repetitive scene at the end of the film where all the survivors have their cell phones out to take pictures.  Who are we kidding, now, to even believe Romero’s original was as significant as it was just plain gross fun?

Just a bit of advice to the Gulager: seeing a predominance of scantily clad women with tattoos does little to give the movie any amount of allure.  The look and feel of the flesh in this film is that of one who may have picked them up from the local Little Darlins strip club.

Gulager’s earlier work as a director includes all 3 Feast horror movies.  What’s more, he earned his cinematography chops with features like the classic, Pornstar Pets.  It’s groundbreaking to think of Porn stars as owners of exotic pets.  I have a strong feeling it was more interesting than this drivel.

(1/2* out of *****)


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