Ebert Did It Better: Gasbag Reviews

Victor Frankenstein – 2015

Director Paul McGuigan
Screenplay Max Landis based on the novel by Mary Shelley
Starring Daniel Radcliffe, James McAvoy, Jessica Brown Findlay, Andrew Scott,
Charles Dance, Spencer Wilding, Freddie Fox

Rule #3 – The real monster in any monster movie is not the narrator.

Rule #54 – There is a pretty girl for everyone, especially if the hunchback is curable.

Rule #57 – You can read all you want about the human anatomy until you use it to save the pretty girl. Then you will be beaten and have your books burned. Why?  Because: Carnys.

Rule #64 – Igor is not Igor until you name him this because the real Igor is gone.

Rule #67 – Make sure you limp for a few scenes after they cure your “abscess” and then musculature that grew around it.

Rule #68 – You’re always completely healed by the time you must attend the big ball.

Rule #70 – If you need a love interest, you must make the patron for the pretty girl interested in something besides pretty girls.

Rule #73 – A bunch of parts of beings, however incomplete, somehow defeat the purpose of interlocking systems.

Rule #74 – There are no more servants. Only full partners who respect you for your intelligence.

Rule #75 – Once you’ve made someone a full partner, it’s okay if they continue to actually perform as your servant and call you “Master.”  Because: habits.

Rule #83 – Flies only come out of something once you’ve shocked it a second time.

Rule #90 – “It’s alive!” Never comes across as something uniquely functional.

Rule #91 – A thing made of animal body parts will often choose to hide in a room filled with body parts.

Rule #104 – “We have to kill it!” is usually an indication that your life making efforts have hit a snag.

Rule #105 – Killing your first effort can still be considered progress.

Rule #109 – Glaring and massive flaws are okay if they are merely social and you are brilliant. Brilliant!

Rule #128 – If the servant full partner forgets his place and has doubts, yet is seemingly intelligent to understand and do what you do, maybe you should heed his advice on growing it bigger when the first attempt ends with Rule #104.

Rule #129 – Saving someone from the circus outranks being unable to control the creation you bring out of death.

Rule #140 – Something defined as a homunculus can only be the size of a munchkin. Unless you need something bigger.

Rule #148 – It’s hard to fool Moriarty when he is the one working for Scotland Yard.

Rule #149 – There are never MORE interesting mysteries to be solved in London than who is using up a bunch of body parts to make something and then kill it at the local college.

Rule #156 – Charles Dance must always walk up behind you when you are doing something that makes you look as dumb as his voice will make you feel.

Rule #157 – If only you could have been more like Henry is never a good sign if your name is Victor.

Rule #163 – If ethics and morals can’t take the wind out of your sails, maybe a conversation with Dad can do the trick.

Rule #164 – Once your crazy scientist friends loses his enthusiasm for the project you are asking him to consider not doing, you must encourage him immediately. Because: friendship.

Rule #168 – If your mad beast was brought down by a lack of oxygen, perhaps give the next one a second set of lungs.

Rule #172 – Getting drunk while making your biggest scientific advances is often a big help.

Rule #177 – When you have sobered up and your master partner is on a role, be sure to take time to go to the dance with the big girl, showing moves that you were never taught and did not have the muscle tone to do weeks ago.

Rule #178 – Babes dig growing Harry Potter, even in a back brace.

Rule #180 – Something crazy bad always happens on the way home from getting lucky.

Rule #183 – Shouting “Igor no!” works to get one out of harms way in a pinch.

Rule #190 – If London doesn’t like bringing back the dead, try a castle in Scotland.

Rule #201 – You can’t quit, you’re fired works even when you are equal partners in a master / servant relationship building dead guys.

Rule #208 – Having been a hunchback works to get out of a tight spot.

Rule #209 – If you are trying to kill Harry Potter, make the guy calling for it as much like Draco Malfoy as possible

Rule #211 – One is always taken off the case after your first big success.

Rule #215 – If you can’t find a 6 foot Scottish corpse. Build one.

Rule #218 – Send the babe out in Red if you need a distraction.

Rule #222 – The crazy Moriarty cop will follow the next wagon out of town if it has a loose chance it is going where it needs to go. Because: plot.

Rule #225 – Don’t try to stop the crazy guy with crazy accusations…or sane ones.

Rule #226 – Definitely don’t bring up the crazy guy’s brother.

Rule #229 – It’s about more than taking the place of a lost one. It’s about replacing the lost one. Because: nuance.

Rule #230 – There will always be more lives lost than gained in the Frankenstein equation.

Rule #234 – Frankenstein must never be huggable.

Rule #245 – Someone in Scotland Yard has no jurisdiction in Scotland. It won’t prevent the use of bullets though.

Rule #256 – None of this can’t be solved with a few action rolls around the castle with your servant / master / partner.  Because: buddy movie.

(*1/2 out of *****)