Ebert Did It Better: Gasbag Reviews

X-Men: Apocalypse – 2016

Director Bryan Singer
Screenplay Simon Kinberg
Starring  James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar Isaac, Nicholas Hoult, Rose Byrne, Tye Sheridan, Sophie Turner, Olivia Munn, Lucas Till

A number of questions keep running through my mind as I watch Singer’s latest attempt to bring us up to date in the X-Men Universe.

1. Why is Simon Kinberg still writing these movies? Hasn’t he done enough damage?
2. How is it that mutants are captured and held hostage as gladiators by bullets and chain link fences?
3. Why is Magneto anonymous and with a family now?
4. So Jean Grey is a  real ginger now? And Storm has an accent?
5. Why did Professor Xavier bother wiping Moira’s mind?
6. Why does a guy named Apocalypse need help?
7. How is one set free by and bound to Apocalypse?
8. Why do we need to relive Magneto’s past again, while not bothering with any of the other’s backstories?  It’s now as often referenced as Spider-man’s Uncle Ben.
9. How are Havok and Quicksilver still so young? It’s been about 20 years since the former was 16 and the latter still lives with Mom?
10. Is Jean Grey referring to X-Men: The Last Stand when she says we all can agree the third one is always worst? Could we throw this one in for the second trilogy?
11. How many times will Magneto declare war on the human race until he realizes he won’t win?
12. What is Apocalypse and what are his goals?
13. So if Xavier sends the message for Apocalypse, then what?
14. Are we supposed to care about the new X-Men?  How about the 4 Horsemen X-Men?
15. Can Mystique, Magneto and Xavier consider each other “friends” even at this point?
16. Why hire Oscar Isaac to play Apocalypse? You can’t tell who the hell he is with all that make up.
17. So Mystique really didn’t save Logan / Wolverine at the end of Days of Future Past?  How did he get loose with that mind control helmet on?
18. Is there anyone besides Quicksilver worth watching in this movie? Sweet Dreams are Made of This, indeed.
19. Why is Mystique a leader all of the sudden?  Box-Office potential?
20. Who can possibly care when there is so much crap in the air and falling apart?  Do special effects always need to be so overwhelmingly awful? Who really can care since the first Independence Day?
21. Really? Another prone body that needs protecting?  Twice in this film, once in the last. It’s the new version of falling from a cliff.
22. Why can’t Quicksilver just say who he is?  Why the stupid melodrama?
23. Between Magneto’s floating and Mystique’s sloganeering (“fight for what I have left“) why did they even come back?
24. Really, Oscar Isaac, why did you even bother? “All is revealed” is that you signed on for a clunker.
25. Can Jean Gray do anything besides look distressed and turn into the Phoenix?
26. Is this the movie where acting goes to die?
27. So what is going to make Magneto the asshole in the next movie?
28. How much stuff is destroyed by the end of this movie?
29. Will the world even act like it knew there was destruction in the next movie?
30. Why is Brian Singer still making these movies?

(** out of *****)