The Artist – 2012
Written and Directed by Michel Hazanavicius
Starring Jean Dujardin, Bérénice Bejo, John Goodman, Uggie, James Cromwell, Penelope Ann Miller, Malcom McDowell
A – is for Average, for this film truly makes it.
B – is for the many “B” grade television actors that move through this film.
C – is for the constant need to read lips, something I am loathed to do.
D – is for drama, which the film thinks it achieves with the occasional frown
E – is for effervescent, which is the feeling that watching Bejo grace the screen brings
F – is for fire, which is about the dumbest scene in the film
G – is for the greatness so many critics said this movie achieved
H – is for the horrible placement of word cards in the film, they hit maybe half of the important words
I – is for the lack of importance this movie had, compared to how it was portrayed
J – is for John Goodman and James Cromwell, who did the silent thing pretty well
K – is for the amount of times I wanted to kill the soundtrack blaring in the “silence.”
L – is for the lack of an impression it will make among it’s fellow Oscar winning movies
M – is for Meryl Streep, who was in another unimpressive Oscar winning film
N – is for none, the amount of time I have spent wondering about that film she was in since watching it
O – is for Out of Africa, which is the title of the film
P- is for the plot of that movie, which no one can remember, and the predictable plot of this one, which no one will care to remember
Q – is for quit while you’re ahead, my advice to the director and the male lead star
R – is for Rene, which I keep thinking is the first name of Jean Dujardin
S – is for slap, which is what I kept wanting to do to his mugging face
T – is for time, which I felt was wasting away as I waited for this film to end
U – is for Uggie. He’s a dog. Yep.
V – is for vacuous, which is what I think of the thought process that pushed this film to the top of the critical heap…”Squirrel!”
W – is for willing suspension of disbelief, which is what is required to think of this film as more than a one trick pony.
X – is for crossing this film off of my “have to see just because it won an Oscar” list
Y – is for “Why is the Academy of Arts and Sciences and whatever they are called considered the pre-eminent award for movies?”
Z – is for being glad my kids fell asleep in the first hour of the film so they did not have to see the “star” of the film put a gun in his mouth.