Ebert Did It Better: Gasbag Reviews

Month: December 2013

  • The Purge: If everything was just so…

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    The Purge – 2013 Written & Directed by James DeMonaco Starring Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Max Burkholder, Adelaide Kane, Edwin Hodge, Rhys Wakefield, Tony Oller, Arija Bareikis Dystopian stories are often made with some political point in mind.  The author generally feels that we have valued something in society that not only could cause our destruction, but will be overlooked to the point of…

  • Insidious, Chapter 2: I’m a boy…

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    Insidious Chapter 2 – 2013 Director James Wan Starring Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne, Lin Shaye, Ty Simpkins, Barbara Hershey, Steve Coulter, Leigh Whannell, Angus Sampson, Danielle Bisutti, Tom Fitzpatrick Screenplay Whannell Insidious Chapter 2 is one of the rare sequels that makes the original better.  The thing about the first chapter is that there were so many questions at the end of…

  • White House Down: Because White House Up is too heavy

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    White House Down – 2013 Director Roland Emmerich Starring Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jason Clarke, Richard Jenkins, James Woods, Joey King Screenplay James Vanderbilt Rule 604: Kids are convenient vehicles for jingoistic propaganda.  Make it look like they still believe. Rule 606: It also helps if the president looks at the capital scene with wide-eyed wonder. Rule 607: Throwing out snippets…

  • We’re The Millers: We’ve all seen a Dick

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    We’re The Millers – 2013 Director Rawson Marshall Thurber Starring Jennifer Aniston, Jason Sudeikis, Will Poulter, Emma Roberts, Ed Helms, Nick Offerman, Kathryn Hahn, Ed Helms, Luis Guzman, Molly Quinn Screenplay Bob Fisher, Steve Faber, Sean Anders, John Morris The iron of having a weed dealer go down to Mexico to pick up “…enough weed to kill Willie…Nelson…” and haul…

  • The Internship: …and we learned so much about ourselves going to the nudie bar

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    The Internship -2013 Director Shawn Levy Starring Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Rose Byrne, Max Minghella, Joanna Garcia, Josh Brener, John Goodman, Dylan O’Brien, Tiya Sircar, Jessica Szohr, Aasif Mandvi, Josh Gad Screenplay by Vaughn and Jared Stern The Internship plays like a mixture of the worst elements of every college film ever made.  This time the college is the coolest place to work in the world.…

  • Planes is straight arrow

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    Planes – 2013 Director Klay Hall Starring Dane Cook, Stacy Keach, Priyanka Chopra, Brad Garrett, Cedric the Entertainer, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Roger Craig Smith, John Cleese, Carlos Alazraqui, John Ratzenberger Screenplay Jeffrey M. Howard So Dusty Crophopper wants to be the fastest slug in the – er, wait.  That’s a different movie.  Not that much different, though.  Dane Cook gives us as generic performance as his…

  • Grown Ups 2: High Fiving White Guys…and Chris Rock

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    Grown Ups 2 – 2013 Director Denis Dugan Starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Salma Hayek, Maya Rudolph, Maria Bello, Nick Swardson, Tim Meadows Screenplay Adam Sandler, Tim Herlihy, Fred Wolf It’s got Shaquille O’Neal, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Andy Samberg, Milo Ventimiglia, Taylor Lautner and Cheri Oteri.  It even has one of Schwarzenegger’s kids.  It even has Nick Swardson, doing what he does…

  • Frozen: I love warm hugs!

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    Frozen – 2013 Directors Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee Starring Kristen Bell, Idina Menzel, Jonathan Groff, Josh Gad, Santino Fontana, Ciarán Hinds, Chris Williams, Edie McClurg Screenplay Jennifer Lee based on The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Andersen I hope I never get too old to appreciate the effect of a magical story on a child-like heart.  Watching this movie with my daughters was a transformative event for…

  • 2 Guns: Not enough bullets

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    2 Guns – 2013 Director Baltasar Kormákur Starring Denzel Washington, Mark Wahlberg, Paula Patton, Bill Paxton, Fred Ward, James Marsden, Edward James Olmos, Robert John Burke Screenplay Blake Masters based on the book by Steven Grant There is a lot of star power in this film.  Personality just jumps off the screen at every turn.  We have Wahlberg somewhere between the knowing novice of his early…

  • Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is what happens when Twilight succeeds

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    Mortal Instruments: City of Bones – 2013 Director Harald Zwart Starring Lily Collins, Jamie Campbell Bower, Robert Sheehan, Kevin Zegers, Lena Headey, Kevin Durand, Aidan Turner, Jemima West, Godfrey Gao, C. C. H. Pounder, Jared Harris, Jonathan Rhys Meyers Screenplay Jessica Postigo Paquette based on the book by Cassandra Clare When Griffin Mill mocked his fellow producers who wanted “eliminate the writer from the artistic process,” this can’t have been what…