The Rules of August: Osage County

AOC

August: Osage County – 2013

Director John Wells
Starring Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Ewan McGregor, Chris Cooper, Abigail Breslin, Benedict Cumberbatch, Juliette Lewis, Margo Martindale, Dermot Mulroney, Julianne Nicholson, Sam Shepard, Misty Upham
Written by Tracy Letts

Rule #12: Meryl Streep will be nominated for an Oscar for 1 film per year at least

Rule #154: Old folks quoting people with tears running down their cheek  usually aren’t happy and won’t make it through the film.

Rule #492: It is unacceptable to use the term “Injun” unless you are looking bad from all the pills / booze you took.  It’s un-American, even in a movie taking place in  the heartland.

Rule #493: It’s not acting if you are only a little off-balance when high.

Rule #573: If Meryl dresses down, it’s an automatic nomination.

Rule #626: Only in dramas would a couple that is separated make a trip to appease an overbearing mother.  In real life, even if the couple was together, only the kid of the mother would bother making the trip, plus whichever of their kids that would need a sitter.

Rule #637: “In my day”  is usually spoken by someone who bugs the crap out of everybody, Cinema style.

Rule # 638: The sister that stays behind is usually unquestioning until the big scene at the end.

Rule #639: Usually the one who’s gone has an interesting past that will be revealed as people keep talking about him,

Rule #740: Everyone must make everything obvious when hinting about a separation.

Rule #777: The kid who is most dedicated never is the favorite.

Rule #778: The kid who is the favorite is the one that takes off and has a grudge.

Rule #823: “I think he’s gonna walk through that door anytime” means we’re not expecting him back anytime soon, if ever.  Oh, look, here comes the Sheriff, with light’s blaring.

Rule #825: If the mother has issues with everyone, the kid’s usually pretty reasonable.

Rule #882: It’s necessary to have at least one scene with loud music and incoherent rambling while dancing in a movie involving addiction.

Rule #14: Showing the body being prepped for a funeral with dramatic music playing in the background is known as filler.

Rule #887: The sports car with the annoying sibling usually get the parking spot closest to the camera.

Rule #892: Live for now translates into “I am the asshole of the family.”

Rule #893: Every story about going back home has posters from your childhood on the wall in your room.  no one ever uses the room that the kid left.

Rule #915: If you like a girl who is ten years younger, you’d definitely like one that is 14.

Rule #917: The A-hole in the sports car has to play obnoxious loud music in every driving scene, even if they were in the midst of a conversation.

Rule #928: “I’ll hook you up (with pot) later” translates into “I want to remove your inhibitions.”

Rule #943: There should only be one guy from England faking an American accent in a film about people who never leave the mid-west.

Rule #956: “Porking Pippi Longstocking” should not ever be used to describe anything.  Ever.

Rule #957: Full volume argument in the middle of the yard is not a way to keep the family from knowing you’ve separated, unless you are in a drama.

Rule #989: The kid that everyone discounts is of course the one that the smartest among them would be drawn to.

Rule #993: It’s unacceptable to eat without a dress coat on, but smoking…that’s just fine.

Rule #1042: The youngest one at the table is often the one that would not eat meat.  The floosie sister getting married in Miami is a possible second.

Rule #1044: Every drama based on a play has a big scene at the dinner table.  Tension: It’s what’s for dinner.

Rule #1052: “The crux of the biscuit” needs to be used more often.

Rule #1087: An attack in the living room must be balanced by compassion in the hayfield.

Rule #1117: There are body parts of your mother that should never be discussed.

Rule #1181: Dating your cousin is okay if you can’t breed.  Unless he’s more than your cousin.

Rule #1182: The more A-listers you have in a film, the more average the movie.

Rule #1189: Every family has a person that gives gifts as horrible as Violet’s mom.

Rule #1273: There seems to be an endless amount of time for mourning for all the characters in a drama…even if most jobs only give you 3 days.

Rule #1401: Everyone in the world wants to identify with Charlie and Ivy.

Rule #1404: Everyone in the world should identify with Chris Cooper.

Rule #1508: Everyone should have an employee like Johnna, willing to “Tune up” a perv.

Rule #1557: Julia Roberts should act unhinged more often.

Rule #1558: Meryl Streep can act any way she wants, and she always will.

(***1/2 out of *****)

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