Ebert Did It Better: Gasbag Reviews

Category: Action

  • G.I. Joe: Retaliation: Caricatures will die…

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    G.I. Joe: Retaliation – 2013 Director John M. Chu Starring Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis, D.J. Cotrona, Byung-hun Lee, Adrianne Palicki, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, Ray Stevenson, Channing Tatum, Luke Bracey, Walton Goggins, Joseph Mazzello, Robert Baker, James Carville, RZA Screenplay Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick Probably on video.  Definitely.  One had every reason to look forward to the second installment of G.I. Joe, and almost as…

  • Phantom: That clunking you hear is not the sub

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    Phantom – 2013 Writer and Director Todd Robinson Starring Ed Harris, David Duchovny, William Fichtner, Lance Henriksen, Johnathon Schaech, Julian Adams, Jason Beghe There is a point at the beginning of Phantom where the boat crew is prepping K-129 for its last mission.  As we get exposition from many of the principal cast members, we see nameless crewmen pulling endless amounts of…

  • R.E.D. 2: More of the same, thank God.

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    R.E.D. 2 – 2013 Director Dean Parisot Starring Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins, Mary-Louise Parker, Lee Byung-hun, Brian Cox, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Neal McDonough Screenplay Jon and Eric Hoeber based on Red by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner There are many movies out now that I would like to see.  Even so, the Grouchnapper and I went on…

  • Jack the Giant Slayer another fairy tale with automatic weapons

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    Jack The Giant Slayer – 2013 Directed by Bryan Singer Starring Nicholas Hoult, Ewan McGregor, Eleanor Thompson, Stanley Tucci, Ian McShane, Bill Nighy, John Kassir, Ewan Bremner, Ralph Brown Written by Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie, Dan Studney Why is Bryan Singer directing a movie about a fairy tale?  Really.  The Usual Suspects. X-Men.  Valkyrie.  Now, a fairy tale.…

  • Spring Breakers: Artistic Debauchery

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    Spring Breakers – 2013 Writer and Director Harmony Korine Starring Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, James Franco, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine, Gucci Mane, Heather Morris, Jeff Jarrett, Sidney and Thurman Sewell Camera shots that go on too long.  Bleached out images of smoking, drinking and breasts in the sun.  Careful editing so one doesn’t ruin the internet life…

  • Dead Man Down: Since they rarely stand up…

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    Dead Man Down – 2013 Director Niels Arden Oplev Starring Colin Ferrell, Noomi Rapace, Terence Howard, Dominic Cooper, Isabelle Huppert, F. Murray Abraham, Armand Assante Written by J.H. Wyman A good movie with a stupid title is often impossible to overcome.  Dead Man Down is a multi-tiered revenge tale in which a mobster Alphonse Hoyt (Howard) feels the…

  • The Call: Hello? You there?

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    The Call – 2013 Director Brad Anderson Starring Halle Berry, Morris Chestnutt, Abigail Breslin, Michael Eklund, Michael Imperioli, David Otunga, José Zúñiga, Denise Dowse Screenplay Richard D’Ovidio Emergency call support has to be one of the least rewarding professions.  If everything goes right, you are usually disconnected by the time something good happens.  What you do get to hear is…

  • Bearing the weight of the Man of Steel

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    Man of Steel – 2013 Director Zack Snyder Starring Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Russell Crowe, Kevin Costner, Laurence Fishburne, Diane Lane, Christopher Meloni, Ayelet Zurer Screenplay David S. Goyer Well documented are the difficulties of making a movie about a man with no weaknesses.  As good a Superman as Christopher Reeve was, there was really…

  • Cloud Atlas: And then a bunch of stuff happened…

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    Cloud Atlas – 2012 Writers and Directors Larry and Andy Wachowski, Tom Tykwer Starring Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Jim Broadbent, Hugo Weaving, Jim Sturgess, Doona Bae, Ben Whishaw, James D’Arcy, Zhou Xun, Keith David, David Gyasi, Susan Sarandon, Hugh Grant Based on Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell If there’s one thing I learned from the time tripping global opus known…

  • Snitch: Big Truck…small payload.

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    Snitch – 2013 Director Ric Roman Waugh Starring Dwayne Johnson, Barry Pepper, Susan Sarandon, Benhamin Bratt, Jon Bernthal, Michael Kenneth Williams Written by Justin Haythe and Waugh So why would any fan of Dwayne Johnson want to see this film?  There are no guns.  There are no fast cars.  There are no explosions.  We don’t get to see…