Category: 2 Stars
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Bullet to the Head: This is why Stallone can’t work alone
Bullet to the Head – 2013 Director Walter Hill Starring Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Sarah Shahi, Christian Slater, Jason Momoa, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje Screenplay Alessandro Camon based on Du Plomb Dans La Tete by Alexis Nolent This is Stallone’s version of a comic book movie. It has few things to recommend it. One of them is getting to view a career of Stallone head shot photos as police…
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G.I. Joe: Retaliation: Caricatures will die…
G.I. Joe: Retaliation – 2013 Director John M. Chu Starring Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis, D.J. Cotrona, Byung-hun Lee, Adrianne Palicki, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, Ray Stevenson, Channing Tatum, Luke Bracey, Walton Goggins, Joseph Mazzello, Robert Baker, James Carville, RZA Screenplay Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick Probably on video. Definitely. One had every reason to look forward to the second installment of G.I. Joe, and almost as…
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Phantom: That clunking you hear is not the sub
Phantom – 2013 Writer and Director Todd Robinson Starring Ed Harris, David Duchovny, William Fichtner, Lance Henriksen, Johnathon Schaech, Julian Adams, Jason Beghe There is a point at the beginning of Phantom where the boat crew is prepping K-129 for its last mission. As we get exposition from many of the principal cast members, we see nameless crewmen pulling endless amounts of…
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The Host is a monotone response to sameness
The Host – 2013 Director Andrew Niccol Starring Saoirse Ronan, Jake Abel, Max Irons, Frances Fisher, Chandler Canterbury, Diane Kruger, William Hurt Screenplay by Niccol, based on the novel by Stephanie Meyer An invasion force of leech-type souls has taken over the world, and in the process they have extinguished most of the human race. These leeches…
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Identity Thief: I want my life back
Identity Thief – 2013 Director Seth Gordon Starring Jason Bateman, Melissa McCarthy, Jon Favreau, Amanda Peet, Génesis Rodríguez, T.I., Robert Patrick, John Cho, Morris Chestnut, Eric Stonestreet, Jonathan Banks Screenplay Craig Mazin This movie would not exist without a dedicated ignorance to common sense. Financial accountant extraordinaire Sandy Patterson (Bateman) answers a phone call at random to his…
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Snitch: Big Truck…small payload.
Snitch – 2013 Director Ric Roman Waugh Starring Dwayne Johnson, Barry Pepper, Susan Sarandon, Benhamin Bratt, Jon Bernthal, Michael Kenneth Williams Written by Justin Haythe and Waugh So why would any fan of Dwayne Johnson want to see this film? There are no guns. There are no fast cars. There are no explosions. We don’t get to see…
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Cool Papa E and Grouchnapper: That’s My Boy: A half-engaging piece of crap
That’s My Boy – 2013 Directed by Sean Anders Starring Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester, Susan Sarandon, Ciara, Luenell, Vanilla Ice, Milo Ventimiglia, Eva Amurri Martino, Nick Swardson Written by David Caspe The following is about the worst review I could imagine ever posting. It’s beneath the dignity of anyone who might ever want to read about…
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Cool Papa E’s Star Trek Movie Chronological Timeline Reviews
Star Trek: The Motion Picture – 1979 Director – Robert Wise Screenplay – Harold Livingston based on the story by Alan Dean Foster Starring – William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, Stephen Collins, Persis Khambatta, George Takei, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, James Doohan Okuda Timeline – 2271 Synopsis – The Enterprise is drafted back into action mid-upgrade to intercept a strange life form…
Ebert Did It Better: Gasbag Reviews 