Ebert Did It Better: Gasbag Reviews

Month: July 2013

  • G.I. Joe: Retaliation: Caricatures will die…

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    G.I. Joe: Retaliation – 2013 Director John M. Chu Starring Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis, D.J. Cotrona, Byung-hun Lee, Adrianne Palicki, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, Ray Stevenson, Channing Tatum, Luke Bracey, Walton Goggins, Joseph Mazzello, Robert Baker, James Carville, RZA Screenplay Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick Probably on video.  Definitely.  One had every reason to look forward to the second installment of G.I. Joe, and almost as…

  • Sharknado: Now we know what global warming can do…

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    Sharknado – 2013 Director Anthony C. Ferrante Starring Tara Reid, Ian Ziering, John Heard, Cassie Scerbo, Jaason Simmons, Chuck Hittinger Screenplay Thunder Levin Who left the 14-year-old alone with the computer and the HD camera?  I found my kids writing the script for Sharknado 2: The Grouchnapper Needs a Snack.   I am pretty sure that Thunder Levin is a pseudonym for my…

  • World War Z: Carefully plotted and executed

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    World War Z – 2013 Director Marc Foster Starring Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Fana Mokoena, Daniella Kertesz, James Badge Dale, David Morse, Ludi Boeken, Matthew Fox, Abigail Hargrove, Sterling Jerins, Fabrizio Zacharee Guidoas Screenplay by Matthew Michael Carnahan, Drew Goddard, Damon Lindelof There is a point in World War Z where Brad Pitt’s former UN Employee Gerry Lane…

  • Phantom: That clunking you hear is not the sub

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    Phantom – 2013 Writer and Director Todd Robinson Starring Ed Harris, David Duchovny, William Fichtner, Lance Henriksen, Johnathon Schaech, Julian Adams, Jason Beghe There is a point at the beginning of Phantom where the boat crew is prepping K-129 for its last mission.  As we get exposition from many of the principal cast members, we see nameless crewmen pulling endless amounts of…

  • R.E.D. 2: More of the same, thank God.

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    R.E.D. 2 – 2013 Director Dean Parisot Starring Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins, Mary-Louise Parker, Lee Byung-hun, Brian Cox, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Neal McDonough Screenplay Jon and Eric Hoeber based on Red by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner There are many movies out now that I would like to see.  Even so, the Grouchnapper and I went on…

  • The Incredible Burt Wonderstone: Magically zero laughs

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    The Incredible Burt Wonderstone – 2013 Director Don Scardino Starring Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Jim Carrey, Olivia Wilde, Alan Arkin, James Gandolfini Screenplay John Francis Daley, Jonathan Goldstein The purpose behind magic is to believe it is real.  The purpose behind comedy is to believe it is funny.  The purpose behind acting is to believe they are…

  • Movie 43: Do you like this collection of skits?

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    Movie 43 – 2013 Directors Steven Brill, Peter Farrelly, Will Graham, Steve Carr, Griffin Dunne, James Duffy, Jonathan van Tulleken, Elizabeth Banks, Patrik Forsberg, Brett Ratner, Rusty Cundieff, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk Starring Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Halle Berry, Leslie Bibb, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Adam Cagely, Common, Kieran Culkin, Josh Duhamel, Devin Eash, Anna Faris, Richard…

  • Jack the Giant Slayer another fairy tale with automatic weapons

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    Jack The Giant Slayer – 2013 Directed by Bryan Singer Starring Nicholas Hoult, Ewan McGregor, Eleanor Thompson, Stanley Tucci, Ian McShane, Bill Nighy, John Kassir, Ewan Bremner, Ralph Brown Written by Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie, Dan Studney Why is Bryan Singer directing a movie about a fairy tale?  Really.  The Usual Suspects. X-Men.  Valkyrie.  Now, a fairy tale.…

  • Stoker: People disappear all the time

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    Stoker – 2013 Director Park Chan-Wook Starring Mia Wasikowska, Matthew Goode, Nicole Kidman, Dermot Mulroney, Jacki Weaver, Lucas Till, Alden Ehrenreich, Phyllis Somerville, Ralph Brown, Judith Godrèche Written by Wentworth Miller This is Mia Wasikowska.  She is beautiful, innocent, haunted, playful.  She is hiding in plain sight.  When one thinks they have her character is the moment they could not be…

  • Evil Dead remake is better than the original

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    Evil Dead – 2013 Director Fede Alvarez Starring Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Jucas, Elizabeth Blackmore Screenplay Alvarez, Rodo Sayagues, Diablo Cody Who ever comes up with the idea of going to a cabin in the woods for entertainment?  If everything goes well…you end up bored and surrounded by trees.  In the remake of…