Ebert Did It Better: Gasbag Reviews

Category: Movie Reviews

  • Phantom: That clunking you hear is not the sub

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    Phantom – 2013 Writer and Director Todd Robinson Starring Ed Harris, David Duchovny, William Fichtner, Lance Henriksen, Johnathon Schaech, Julian Adams, Jason Beghe There is a point at the beginning of Phantom where the boat crew is prepping K-129 for its last mission.  As we get exposition from many of the principal cast members, we see nameless crewmen pulling endless amounts of…

  • R.E.D. 2: More of the same, thank God.

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    R.E.D. 2 – 2013 Director Dean Parisot Starring Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins, Mary-Louise Parker, Lee Byung-hun, Brian Cox, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Neal McDonough Screenplay Jon and Eric Hoeber based on Red by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner There are many movies out now that I would like to see.  Even so, the Grouchnapper and I went on…

  • The Incredible Burt Wonderstone: Magically zero laughs

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    The Incredible Burt Wonderstone – 2013 Director Don Scardino Starring Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Jim Carrey, Olivia Wilde, Alan Arkin, James Gandolfini Screenplay John Francis Daley, Jonathan Goldstein The purpose behind magic is to believe it is real.  The purpose behind comedy is to believe it is funny.  The purpose behind acting is to believe they are…

  • Movie 43: Do you like this collection of skits?

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    Movie 43 – 2013 Directors Steven Brill, Peter Farrelly, Will Graham, Steve Carr, Griffin Dunne, James Duffy, Jonathan van Tulleken, Elizabeth Banks, Patrik Forsberg, Brett Ratner, Rusty Cundieff, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk Starring Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Halle Berry, Leslie Bibb, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Adam Cagely, Common, Kieran Culkin, Josh Duhamel, Devin Eash, Anna Faris, Richard…

  • Jack the Giant Slayer another fairy tale with automatic weapons

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    Jack The Giant Slayer – 2013 Directed by Bryan Singer Starring Nicholas Hoult, Ewan McGregor, Eleanor Thompson, Stanley Tucci, Ian McShane, Bill Nighy, John Kassir, Ewan Bremner, Ralph Brown Written by Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie, Dan Studney Why is Bryan Singer directing a movie about a fairy tale?  Really.  The Usual Suspects. X-Men.  Valkyrie.  Now, a fairy tale.…

  • Stoker: People disappear all the time

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    Stoker – 2013 Director Park Chan-Wook Starring Mia Wasikowska, Matthew Goode, Nicole Kidman, Dermot Mulroney, Jacki Weaver, Lucas Till, Alden Ehrenreich, Phyllis Somerville, Ralph Brown, Judith Godrèche Written by Wentworth Miller This is Mia Wasikowska.  She is beautiful, innocent, haunted, playful.  She is hiding in plain sight.  When one thinks they have her character is the moment they could not be…

  • Evil Dead remake is better than the original

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    Evil Dead – 2013 Director Fede Alvarez Starring Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Jucas, Elizabeth Blackmore Screenplay Alvarez, Rodo Sayagues, Diablo Cody Who ever comes up with the idea of going to a cabin in the woods for entertainment?  If everything goes well…you end up bored and surrounded by trees.  In the remake of…

  • 21 & Over is good crass comedy

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    21 & Over – 2013 Writers & Directors Jon Lucas, Scott Moore Starring Justin Chon, Miles Teller, Skylar Astin, Sarah Wright, Francois Chau, Samantha Futerman How many times has this movie been made?  Twice, maybe three times a year.  Young, seemingly responsible kid (Justin Chon) out with friends for one more night of wild debauched fun…

  • Spring Breakers: Artistic Debauchery

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    Spring Breakers – 2013 Writer and Director Harmony Korine Starring Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, James Franco, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine, Gucci Mane, Heather Morris, Jeff Jarrett, Sidney and Thurman Sewell Camera shots that go on too long.  Bleached out images of smoking, drinking and breasts in the sun.  Careful editing so one doesn’t ruin the internet life…

  • The Host is a monotone response to sameness

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    The Host – 2013 Director Andrew Niccol Starring Saoirse Ronan, Jake Abel, Max Irons, Frances Fisher, Chandler Canterbury, Diane Kruger, William Hurt Screenplay by Niccol, based on the novel by Stephanie Meyer An invasion force of leech-type souls has taken over the world, and in the process they have extinguished most of the human race.  These leeches…